Forgiveness

It was a typical weekday, and I was off to lunch.  It was not unusual for me to meet someone for lunch, but this particular day I was quite anxious.  Sleep had alluded me the night before, and now in the waiting moments at the restaurant, I was not hungry.  My stomach was already full of butterflies.

Who was I waiting for?  My father.

Why was I so nervous?  That will take a little explanation.

From my first breath, I was “daddy’s little girl.”  I loved spending time with my dad until I started growing up, and then it became more difficult.  Little by little my dad hurt me.  Not physically, but his words pierced my heart until I was at the point of emotional cardiac arrest.

Two years prior to this lunch date, I had moved 1,000 miles from home.  I made sure that my dad had no part in that.  I didn’t want him around, and I didn’t need him.

Over those two years, God worked in my heart.  He helped me to see the darkness in the deepest corner of my heart because I harbored anger against my father.  Regardless of the hurt, Scripture was clear.  I was to honor my father.  Whether he deserved it or not was immaterial.  God has also commanded me to rid myself of anger and bitterness and forgive.

Before moving back to my hometown, God had transformed my heart to forgive my dad.  But I continued to struggle.  You may identify with my struggle.  I wanted to forgive.  I believe I had forgiven him, but it still came to mind.  My heart still hurt at the thought of my dad.  Why was that?

He had never repented.  His lack of repentance robbed me of the opportunity to grant him forgiveness.  My heart was poised.  My desire was to grant forgiveness because I had already forgiven him before God.

As we were seated, I had resolved to just let him carry the conversation.  As soon as our orders were taken, he took that opportunity.  He told me that he had realized how much he continuously hurt me over the years, and he was sorry.  He wanted to meet as many times as necessary to apologize for each and every indiscretion.

“If that is what you need to do,” I said, “we will do that.  But it is not necessary because it is already forgiven.”

We never talked about it again.  My lunches with my dad were no longer awkward.  He walked me down the aisle when I got married, and I didn’t cringe at the thought.  Restoration was possible because internal forgiveness made granted forgiveness a reality at the right time.

Since that day, there have been three people in my life who have hurt me with the same intensity.  I have struggled with knowing if forgiveness is real or just lip service to ease my conscience.  Understanding internal and granted forgiveness has helped me find freedom in this struggle.

The posture of my heart toward each of them is forgiveness.  But not one has ever requested it.  Not one has come to me to ever admit that there was any hurt.  All of them have made it clear that they do not want to have anything to do with me.

My heart mourns the loss of restoration, but my soul finds peace in realizing that forgiveness is reality and it is complete.  They are forgiven.  I choose not to hold it against them, and I long for the day that this gift of forgiveness can be granted.